I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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