fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
