South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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