Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
