I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
