I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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