Can i not drive my cunt home
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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