i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
