remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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