God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
