Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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