I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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