i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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