He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
