Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
