everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
