I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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