I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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