Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
