tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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