After last night, I could never be a politician.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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