just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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