In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
