so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
whose parrot is this?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
