She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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