I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize