When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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