remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
