it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
