Your face is a jimmy john
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
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went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
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I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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