i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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