Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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