He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
