Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
