I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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