So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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