He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
"it" just moved
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
