omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize