when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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