My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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