the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
