You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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