Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
