The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
