i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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