I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
