This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
