True but thats because hes a fetus.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
