it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
