i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
