Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
