Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
