: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize