Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
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I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
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I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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