why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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