are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
