pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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