Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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